I am not even sure how to start this blog I have not written a blog in a while but I thought it was time to start again as I have so many feeling and emotions and thought maybe writing would help me have less thoughts.
At that moment I’m battling a few things at once in which of course can be over powering I have anxiety,Depression,PTSD,Borderline personality disorder and when you combine that all together you can imagine my feelings being up and down all the time no matter what time of the day. I am currently taking lexapro only 5mg because I find anything higher then that makes me extremely depressed. They told me lexapro was the only anti depressants that would give you less side affects compare to most on the market. I started these back in 2014 prior to this I was no medication at all for years and I was doing absolutely fine without it. Once I started taking this anti depressants it was ok at first and thought it would get better and that my body just needed to get used to it. I fell pregnant pregnant pretty much the moment I started the medication but after the pregnancy I suffered post natal depression and more anxiety and stress. I have had 2 other kids before so I don’t think that was a issue of having a new baby.
I remember that I started putting on weight very rapidly after my pregnancy in which was not actually usual for me as I was always a very small and skinny person and I was never in my life ever over weight. I thought it would fade after a few months from the birth but I kept gaining I know it was not from eating or anything like that because I’m not a big eater I never have been. I had a feeling it was from the lexapro I was on and sure enough when I asked my doctor he said the main side affect people get is weight gain unfortunately now even 4-5 years later I’m still struggling with the weight but even worse now I have tried absolutely everything to stop it and to get back to the way I was but as long as I’m on this medication my weight won’t drop a bit. This has caused me to have other medical problems like sleep apnea and trouble breathing doing basic daily activity and it’s hard for me to get around fearing ill die and pass out from not being able to catch my breathe. If I knew the medication was to cause these problems I probably wouldn’t have tried to have it like the doctor wanted me to and tried other ways to fix my problems. I tried many times to get off it and my body went into sick mode I was so sick I just wanted to throw up and sleep I was angry upset amongst everything else and was told it’s dangerous to stop taking it like I did and if I left it a few more days I probably would of been in hospital because my blood pressure kept going down as well. All of this was brining more stress on to me more anxiety and still is today.
Sometimes I sit there and I completely zone out into the past like I’m there reliving it all over again and then when I snap out of it I realise I was out of it for a few minutes or seconds without realising and wondered where the time went this is what my ptsd is and so many others have this to. In the past I was in bad situations like domestic violence partners and medical problems and abuse. It feels like my whole life was like that and now as a adult I wouldn’t know any better.
As a child I was constantly in hospital I was born with hydrocephalus which means water on the brain and I require a VP shunt to live to drain the fluid into my stomach. Without this I will die unfortunately some people are lucky to have hydrocephalus but not need a shunt to live. I have had it since I was born so I am 34 now and it was malfunctioned on me in January 2018 obviously it was my first malfunction since birth so I didn’t know any thing was wrong and thought I just had a migraine turns out it broke into pieces and I needed emergency surgery. They told me if I didn’t get to hospital when I did I would of been dead within 24 hours as I already classed as dying on arrival apparently the doctors where talking to me trying to wake me up and I didn’t respond I don’t even remember that and the thought of that scares me. I do remember getting wheeled into surgery but I felt nothing I felt at peace which was odd I had no feeling no emotions nothing I was blank but I was at peace. I knew I was dying and in all honesty I didn’t think I was coming out of surgery alive and I think that’s why I showed no emotion to my family before I went in all though I was heavily drugged up I still remember some things.
Today when I think about all that happened I can say yes it traumatised me and it’s another thing to add to my list of anxieties and depression I would have to say my anxiety and depression are 10x worse since I had the surgery I’m not sure why it might be because of the way it all happened or how badly it affected me. In all honesty I hardly even move from my bed anymore I lay in bed most days not wanting to do anything but sleep or watch a movie or something I rarely go outside or go out in public. I would have to say the whole thing ruined my life and the way I feel about everything.
Most people would say go live your life you should be happy your alive and didn’t die and this and that but if only it was that easy maybe because I have had 2 Brain surgeries the positive side of me is turned off… this is only just the medical side of mental illness.
All my life through primary school right up until now even as a adult I have suffered from cyber bulling or bullying in person the struggle is real and I don’t wish it upon anyone. As a adult I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would be cyber bullied so badly that I wanted to end my life… it got so bad and to think it was from people I don’t even know made it worse hense why I don’t want to go outside or go out in public anymore. Strange thing is I never did anything wrong to anyone I never hurt anyone I never spoke to these people but literally thousands of these people have ruined my life in a big way where I was thinking of changing my name and identity. They ruined my business I had online they ruined my online reputation and no matter where I would write someone had something bad to say about me all though I never did anything. When people on social media make up stories people will believe it and the stories will change as it goes person to person there was even a group on Facebook made all about me my photos where put up including my kids and partners photos and all this talk and gossip about me that was no true and sad thing is thousands of people believed it and since then I have been trying to clear my name and to this day I fail to still clear my name. According to a lot of people o am a bad person I am a scam artist and that I rip people off amongst other nasty things that are not even true. I have a lazy eye as well due to my hydrocephalus and they wen ton my profile and spread one of my photos showing my lazy eye to everyone and everyone spread it around and started posting it on my business page making remarks about it and completely humiliated me to thousands of people. I wish people understood how much this affected me and still does today because I’m known as this person now to everyone and everyone knows my name and my face. If I had a choice I wouldn’t Be on social media but I have a business to run and it’s the only way I can do my business since I work from home due to my disability. This has showed me what a truely messed up world this is and I asked for help so many times by varies people and go no help at all and me trying to defend myself made it worse nobody believes me nobody stands up for me and I’m all on my own and my own friends backstabbed me lied to me and used me. I reported this to police many times and they shut me out by saying report to Facebook I made several reports to Facebook and all Facebook does is sends me robotic answers with no help at all. Cyber bully is a crime and it’s happened to me so badly but no action has been taken because I’m on my own. I wanted to share all my emotions and fustrations in hope someone out there will understand and maybe has a similar story leave me a comment if you have been through this. I’ll write another blog soon and continue my story