I was not going to write this simply because I feel a lot of people don’t actually understand what it means to have depression. Some people think it’s as easy to say to someone get over it or it’s all in your head or go do something to keep your mind off it. These are the words I hear to often I have never been one to be fully depressed maybe a bit sad I have however suffered from anxiety for years. It’s only been the past 3 years where depression actually hit me hard and very fast at the time I didn’t know what what was wrong with me I thought I was going crazy I felt so withdrawn I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere anymore. I was the type of person who went for long hour walks alone worked out and went clubbing with friends I loved being out and about. I then suddenly went down hill to not wanting to leave my room nor my bed literally I made myself bed bound to the point my entire look has changed and the way I think. When I look in the mirror or old photos I say who’s that it does not even look like me at all I’m 3 years into my depression and I am still in a hole I have tried several ways to get out and I mean several. I tried meditation I tried art I tried singing and none of it worked. I tried to read self help books and read quotes and that still didn’t help. I have been on lexapro for 4-5 years now and I can say before I started it I was that person who was always out and talking to people once I started that lexapro it turned me into someone I don’t even know and I have been that person ever since. This is honestly the best way I can actually explain it in simple terms and the way I think you would think being on medication and trying all these things I did would some what help me get out of this depression nope not at all. Doctors keep telling me to go see a psychologist well I try to talk people everyday online or my partner and tell them what I would tell a doctor anyway so I see no difference and that still hasn’t done anything. I feel like I’m one of those people who can’t be fixed with depression like it will be permanently there until I die. I don’t think my mind will just change like that back to normal like I used to be because it would of happened by now by all the things I tried.
Living with depression is hell and it’s lonely I don’t chose to be this way I look out my window and think it’s a nice sunny day but I then go straight to my bed and play games on my iPad I don’t know why I don’t just go outside or go for a walk? I can’t my body just worn Let me I gained so much weight I’m bigger then I have ever been in my entire life I went from skinny to overweight obese in 4 years the weight gain also started when I started my lexapro. I was always tiny I was never ever a large person but here I am overweight with breathing problems bad back and other things like a old person. If only you know who I was before and what I was like to now to see what I’m talking about and see how much I have changed from good to worse in 4 years. I want to be happy I want to be fit I want to be a lot of things but my body won’t budge my mind is stuck it’s so weird so strange I really don’t know what it is and how it’s doing it. I feel like I’ll be like this forever like I’m trapped in someone else’s body waiting for them to reappear again.
I wish people would understand that it’s not something you can just control for some it’s easier then for some it’s harder and take the way out by Suiside because it’s the only way they think they can get out. I’ll admit I have been thee down that path but something always seems to stop me like I’m suppose to be here and I also don’t have guts to do something like that but sometimes it does sound like the better option rather then living like this all the tine the pain never goes away the pain never stops all you want to do is literally sleep your life away. I had a emergency brain surgery in jan 2018 due to my disability hydrocephalus and I nearly died and I’ll admit that definitely added to the extra stress and anxiety as well as depression I wish I could just go back 5 years ago before all these problems happened and be who I used to be the person I knew the person I liked I don’t like who I am what I look like or who I have become. I hope one day whenever that is a miracle will Happen and I’ll be happy again